Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result
of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What
you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by
an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for
days. Naked flames are ill advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays
with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making
your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield.
Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag."
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to
find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic
overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone
would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too
bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion
that every "empty roll dumper" must face.....pull up yer
kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest
loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail
or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of
cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly
unpleasant shock. Now you're wet - and embarrassed if the
column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day:
blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided
by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your
dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat
violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again.
You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying
to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do:
1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got
some Vaseline to help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in
sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy
gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun
fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a
Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn
commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or
work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some
clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are
about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise
moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet
2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two
stanzas of your favorite opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses
to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle.
You twist and pump but the little bastard just hangs there,
suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and
the water below. If only you had some scissors.......
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow
the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times.
The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet
paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash
clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands
and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another
dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call.
The world record is seven encores.....
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it
creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing?
Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you
don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who
comes in.
Copyright © 2002 BathroomJokes.com.